Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I need me a "slow clap" for my everyday achievements...

For some reason, I got to thinking about one of the greatest, cheezy, movie cliches of all time - the "slow clap". You know, it usually happens at the very end of the movie after the underdog has overcome all of his/her adversities to reign triumphant over all of the doubters and haters.

The locale of this shining moment usually involves a generic gathering place (school hallway, school cafeteria, school gymnasium, school sports field, school drama stage, school...yard, school...well, hell, you get the idea) where the new hero is usually surrounded by a huge crowd of people - the same crowd who never believed in him/her.

Next, the feel-good speech of the year(!) is delivered by either the new hero or the one person who always believed in the new hero. As the sentimental music begins, the speech usually retraces the new hero's just completed arduous journey, pointing out the misgivings of the doubters and haters along the way; add a dash of self-introspection by the new hero him/herself; a dollop of moral righteousness; shake well with a few tear drops as the music swells to an inspirational crescendo; and then - you'll hear it - *clap*...*clap*...*clap*-*clap* (builds a little more) *clap*-*clap**clap**clap* (builds even more!) *Clap**CLap**CLAp**CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* (until its a full-blown orgasmic) - *APPLAUSE!* "YEAH!!!!!"

Someone else must have felt the same love for the "slow clap" as I do, so much in fact, they created this great compilation clip.

*cue inspirational music*

A clip nobody thought could or should be compiled.

A clip, still awkward and small when it was first being compiled, was laughed at and mocked by all the compilation clips featuring the superstars of sports.

A clip rejected by all the compilation clips featuring hot bikini models.

Well, I tell you what popular, strong, and beautiful compilation clips, this compilation clip learned a lot about itself and the whole world of compilation clips...

*Play that John Tesh-esque inspirational tune loud!*

Every little clip is special in its own way, and when those clips are assembled with just such a belief, it can be as popular, strong, and beautiful as any other clip compilation out there!


But ya know, there are times when I'd love to have a "slow clap" waiting for me after hurdling life's little obstacles.

Example A:

As Marty Schottenheimer knows, "taking the Browns all the way to the Super Bowl" isn't always an easy task (well, impossible actually if you're poor Marty...but I digress). So, after trying Three or Four times to drop the Deuce, I'd love to hear a little appreciation for my efforts.

I'll set the scene...Toilet flushes; looking down humbly, I emerge victorious from the "room of doom" wiping a bead of sweat from my brow; I look up; a crowd has gathered in my hallway; I shriek like a little girl (I mean, c'mon, there's a crowd of strangers in my hallway!); they look at me like I'm a Superstar; and then...


Example B:

I am not a morning person! The alarm clock is my mortal enemy. With the advent of the "Snooze" button, however, the alarm clock and I were able to broker a fragile truce. Rarely have I ever been able to awaken early in the morning without looking to that magical button of procrastination for a few more moments of restful grace. So, when I do awaken on the inaugural buzz, I'd love to hear a little appreciation for my efforts.

I'll set the scene...5AM (in reality, about 10 'til 5 because I purposely set my clock ahead 10 minutes to avoid being late...yeah, I'm clever). I'm sleeping cozily under my blanky, dreaming sweet dreams of a hot chick who actually doesn't point and laugh, who doesn't make the universal sign for "P.U." with her hand and nose, and who doesn't get physically nauseous when I look in her direction in contemplation of starting a conversation with her (yeah, dreams are great!) - when I hear - the dreaded "EH-EH-EH-EH!" of the alarm clock! (Side Note: Have you ever noticed that the buzz of an alarm clock sounds eerily similar to Fran Dresher's laugh? Coincidence? Meh, probably.)

Anyway, I spring out of bed without the help of the "Grand Snooze-bah" and voila! - a crowd is gathered at my bedside! I shriek like a little girl (again, crowd of strangers in my bedroom - freaky!); look to see if there are any hot chicks in the crowd - yes, but they give the "P.U." sign - the rest look at me like I'm a Superstar; and then...


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